There was a time, there really was,

When I was sweet and tender,

When SHOW DOG meant a Disney Star,

And Bitch was not a gender.

I went to bed at half past ten,

I went to church on Sunday.

On Saturday I baked the beans,

And did the wash on Monday.

But then I got a certain pup,

And an erstwhile friend said, "SHOW"

And so I did, and so I do,

OH! What I didn't know.

I used to dress with flair and style,

That was the life, don't knock it.

But now each dress from bed to ball

Must have a good bait pocket.

I used to have a certain air,

I wallowed in perfume,

I used to smell of Nuit D'Amour,

Now I smell like Mr. Groom.

My furniture was haut decor,

My pets a tank of guppies,

Now I've furniture unstuffed,

And well-adjusted puppies.

Once I spoke in pristine prose,

In dulcet tones and frail,

But now I'm using language,

That would turn a sailor pale.

I was taught to be well-groomed

No matter where I went.

Now all the grooming that I do

Is in the handler's tent.

I used to long for clothes and jewels,

And a figure classed as super,

Now the thing I yearn for most

Is a nice new Pooper-Scooper.

I adored someone who murmured verse

Through intimate little dinners,

But now the words I thrill to hear

Are just three-"Best of Winners"!

I rise at dawn and pack the car

The road ahead's a long one.

The one I routed on the maps

Invariably thee wrong one.

I really love this doggy life

I wouldn't care to change it.

But when I get that BEST IN SHOW

I plan to rearrange it.

And when my time on earth is done,

I'll go without much nudging.

Just give me three weeks closing date,

And let me know who is judging.

Author unknown

Dog Show Poem

ANGULATION - Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress judges

BALANCE - a) How to arrange the checkbook so your husband won't know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. This is usually done in the bathroom with the door locked;

B) Ability to hold coffee, Danish, leash, treats, comb and catalog all at once.

BITCH - a) Proper name for a female dog;

B) Name often heard at dog shows, not always to describe a female dog.

BLIND RETRIEVE - When you can't see the toy under the furniture.

CGC - Canine Gastrointestinal Catastrophe (aka GAS)

COAT - The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

CRABBING - What you do when the judge doesn't like your dog.

DAM - a) A female dog with puppies

B) Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

DISTEMPER - Shown by those competitors who just lost to someone they can't stand.

DOG - To chase a judge from show to show in an effort to attain more breed wins.

DOUBLE BLIND - Finding two toys under the furniture.

ELBOW - Method of getting to rigside quickly when late.

EXPRESSION - 'Sweet' look adopted by hungry dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

FANCIER - Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

FORCE FETCH - Dog drops the toy under the furniture, scratches at the carpet until you're forced to 'fetch' it.

FRONT - Part of the dog often facing outside of the ring.

GUARD HAIR - An activity in which one watches intently as the dog's hair falls out, in clumps, just after entries are mailed.

HEEL - a) What you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice;

B) Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

HOCK - A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.

KENNEL - Where you go when the kids fight and your husband is in one of his moods.

LITTER - Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.

MASK - What to wear when you have to show your gorgeous pick of the litter that fell apart a week before the show.

MUZZLE - What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.

NOSEPRINTS - Cute marks left all over your French doors.

OUTCROSSING - What your husband tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.

OVERSHOT - Running so fast as to pass the 1st place ring marker and plow into the judge and the stewards.

PEDIGREE - Dog food with lots of coupons.

POINTS - Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

PUPPIES - Small, dog like food processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies. (These

Creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with leaky systems, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)

QUALIFYING SCORE - Just the 170.5 you got in obedience today.

RIBBONS - What competitive exhibitors with distemper (see above) will cut you into when your dog places over theirs.

SPECIALTY - Whatever your dog is good at, like bringing home dead cats or chewing on walls.

TYPE - What your dog has.....if you turn down the lights and squint a little.

UTILITY - The kind of vehicle you need to haul around your dogs.

                    

It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them. And every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are. Unknown

Dog Show Terminology